Chasing Sunshine

A science lesson from long ago

A lengthy discourse

On work, or the lack thereof;

Today, the memory of that lesson

Has come to pay a visit,

As I’m reminded

Of the futility

Of a current pursuit.

Love –

You look for it,

You yearn for it,

You go to places

In search of it,

Hoping you’ll find it there.

You glean your memories,

Travelling through the yester years,

You hold on to moments

Suspended in time,

Yet fail to find

What you desperately seek.

And as the days fold into a week,

A month, a year, some years –

You find you’ve shed more tears,

Confronted additional fears,

In this journey to find

What remains elusive.

And then you give up,

You resign yourself

To your ignominous fate,

You accept the hate,

And in doing so,

You sink into the ground,

Hoping you’ll not be found,

Wishing you’d be lost..

And there you find,

A love like no other…

For there, you realize

That in nature,

There is more love

Than you’ve ever sought.

There’s a song about sunshine

That I first heard as a child

It tells the tale of how

Sunshine always makes the singer high.

Perhaps, it was that song that drew me

To the magic of sunshine,

And the warmth of its rays on my skin.

On the greyest day,

The touch of a sunray

Can bring a smile,

Like nothing else can;

And so I find myself

Chasing sunshine.

Maybe that is the essence

Of pursuing happiness;

Maybe, happiness lies

In chasing sunshine.

The fear, is very real;

It creeps upon me

In the chill of the early morning,

Awakening me with a startle,

And a dry mouth.

For a second,

I’m not sure what it was

That roused me,

Until I feel it,

The familiar knot

In the depths of my belly –

And I know,

That it has come back

To show me

That it’s real;

As tangible as the hair

That stands on edge,

As goosebumps on the exposed skin

On my limbs,

While I retreat

Into the imaginary shell

Of forced isolation,

That offers no real protection

Save that, of facing the world.

There are so many things to say,

So many that will perchance

Remain unsaid,

For that has always been

The bane of my existence –

The fact that I cannot

Bring myself to say,

The things that hurt the most

To keep within.

There is relief

In being heard;

Much more,

In being understood –

It’s more the pity then,

That my mind will always choose

To stay silent,

And keep the fire raging,

Even as I try and smile

As I traipse along,

On this sojourn

That is life.

I sit down to write,

I hope the words will flow;

I release the thoughts,

Wondering which ones will show

And which ones will stay obscure –

I cannot deny the dread

That lays seige of my mind

As it struggles against the brilliance

Of the dazzling light

That chooses to reveal,

Almost always.